How Do You Do?
by Freydris
Summary: "Sam gives his cousin culture shock. The Autobots aren't really helping, either." Judy offers shamelessly. Pre-movie. Slow-burn. Character development.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Corner**

I am digging my own grave.

Blame my little sister. She asked me "what if you were Sam's cousin?" and I answered with "why would I be Sam's cousin?" and then she very helpfully pointed out that we have an aunt named Judy in the States. Then we just stared at each other in realization.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the original characters.**

Warning: This will not be the typical "Sam has a cousin!" fanfic. I am a sucker for family and character development. I often have writer's block. I do not update often. I do not apologize for all of this except the last two. **Read at your own risk.**

* * *

**How Do You Do?**

**By Freydris**

**Enter, The Cousin**

"Sam, darling." Judy starts carefully, tearing Sam's attention away from his comic book. The book, in particular, is worn out and several years old, but he will never get sick of reading and rereading it. Captain America has that charm, yes, and it has saved him from countless awkward conversations. It is his trusty friend.

With a long-suffering, but mental sigh, he looks up and forces a smile into his face. "Hey Mom." He greets, giving her a pathetic wave from his spot on the bed. His gaze slips onwards to the tan female standing behind his mother, and as if feeling his stare, she stops examining his (shamefully) messy room and meets his eyes. To his surprise, she breaks out into a pretty smile and waves at him.

Jolting at the unfamiliar presence, he straightens and tries his best to appear more accommodating. "Hello." He says uncomfortably, cursing himself for his lack of eloquence. The woman's smile widens, and she nudges his mother's back, her dark eyes glittering with amusement.

Judy mirrors the other woman's smile and steps aside to give him a full view. "Sam, this is your cousin, Lita." She says, and Sam's hopes come crashing down on him. The only other beautiful woman in his life besides his mother (he is a secret momma's boy) and his high school crush, Mikaela, and it turns out she is his cousin. Figures. "She's from Asia, and she's staying with us until she finishes university." His mother explains slowly, apparently recognizing the disappointment in his face.

The dark-haired woman steps forward and gives him a half-bow. "How do you do? I am Carlita D. Rodriguez. Please call me Ate Lita or Lita." She introduces, inclining her head, and if he is a lesser man, Sam will be intimidated. "I'm related to you through Aunt Judy's side; her older sister married my father, who is a Filipino citizen." She says patiently, her enunciation flawless, "I am also twenty-two years old."

His mother cuts in swiftly, almost cruelly, like a hawk, "She is five years older than you, Sam. Don't even think of incest." She warns teasingly, and Lita laughs, laughs in this weird way he's only heard from anime shows. The subtle shiver that he gives hopefully goes by unnoticed. "I'm a responsible girl, tita." She chuckles, giving him an amused look from the corner of her doe-eyes, "Sam's an adorable son, by the way."

At the comment, Sam's face burns a bright pink, and his fingers unconsciously twitch for his comic book, lying at his side.

His mother, not noticing his discomfort, beams at Lita, clasping her manicured hands together, "Thank you! I tried to raise him to the best of my abilities! He's a darling, a sweetheart, honestly, the girls can't get enough of him at school." Can't get enough of bullying him, that is, but his mother throws half-lies around every time. Sam, however, does not appreciate her lying to Lita.

He gives in to his urges and picks up the book, raising it slowly until it covers half of his face.

"I'm sure he is." Lita says kindly, nicely, and she turns back to him with a twinkle in her eyes. "Thank you for your hospitality. I hope we get along, Sam."

Sam nods stiffly, almost hurriedly. Judy gives him a loving smile before the older woman whisks his cousin out of the room excitedly, chattering all the while. He commends Lita's daring; standing his mother's presence with that polite smile is a feat to behold, and she seems nice enough.

After some long seconds, he lowers his arms and stares at the book's cover, and it stares back at him with a glossy glint. "You're a true friend, that you are." He says to the item, before flipping it open and resuming where he stopped.

* * *

**Author's Corner**

This is ridiculously short, but I am keeping the number of words to a minimum because I won't be able to handle updating three multi-chaptered stories, wherein all three of them squeeze very long chapters out of me. I'm even thinking of throwing out another fanfic.

I am a buttwipe, ugh, forgive me guys.

But I tried my hand on present-tense and third person, with the point of view being a canon character's. This is one step closer to me writing non-OC fanfictions! Mwahahaha! Only a hundred more EXP until the next level!

Constructive criticism is appreciated—please, do not hesitate to point out my mistakes. I am not going to lie to you guys, reading about them hurts, but I'm a (wo)man and I can handle it! Tell me what you think of Sam, and Carlita! I know she seems a bit too perfect at first, but we're going to tear those layers of her defenses one by one until she's stripped bare with all her faults! Again, I shall point out that I am a complete sucker for character development.

Oh, and yes. I dug my grave even further. Because I decided on a split-second that I wanted her to be Asian, I randomly searched and found the Philippines! Now I have to do extra research on their culture! I am a very stupid person but I do so love the challenge! Hints and suggestions are welcomed!

**Tita – a term used by youngsters to refer to older women with respect; Aunt; roughly, ma'am. **

**Ate – a term used to refer to a woman not much older than the speaker, with as much respect; roughly translates to "big sister", also can be used as "miss". **

Now I must go. This is not a Sam/OC fanfic. There won't be any romance until the end, I guess.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Corner**

I feel like an absolute prick for updating HDYD? quickly and avoiding all my other stories, but I'm working on removing this writer's block so let's skip the dilly-dallying and move on. Thanks to MagicMysticMojo for adding this little piece to her favorites list! I'm glad you liked it.

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything except the OCs.**

Warning: Again, I repeat, this is _not _the typical "Sam has a cousin!" fanfic. I am a sucker for family and character development. Transformers is kind of crack. I do not update often. This most likely will be somewhat crack. There will be references to other fandoms because Sam is a teenage boy who does not have that many friends. **Read at your own risk. **

* * *

**How Do You Do?**

**By Freydris**

**Sam's Stalker List**

**Lita does not like being called Carlita, or worse yet, Carly.**

**(Their neighbor's son learns the hard way.)**

**Part One**

Samuel Witwicky does not fool himself even though he often makes a fool out of himself. He knows he is unpopular—a pure loser, if you will—and he won't say otherwise though he will definitely attempt to prove otherwise.

He knows he cannot draw, but he draws anyway.

"Sam!" His mother calls from the kitchen, and the boy jerks in surprise, slipping half-way out of his seat. Awkwardly flailing for balance, Sam straightens himself with some difficulty and rubs his stinging behind. "What is it, Mom?" He shouts back, keeping some choice swear words to himself. There is a long, unattractive line slanting across his work, and he tosses his pen away, cursing his clumsiness.

"Mojo needs a walk!" Judy yells, and there is a loud noise of the pan scraping against the stove with the slick of raw meat and sizzling.

As if sensing that he is the topic of the conversation, the smooth-coat Chihuahua begins to bark from his penthouse, rattling the links of his leash as he attempts to escape.

Typical, Sam thinks as he rolls his eyes and complains under his breath, but he pushes himself to stand. His arms and legs feel like lead, all but taken care of during the summer break, and honestly, he doesn't really feel like walking his pet chihuahua through the neighborhood. The embarrassment and bullying would double shall anyone catch sight of him.

Be stealthy as a ninja then, Sam tells himself. He grunts as he finally rises from his seat. Sweeping his gaze critically at his non-existent leg muscles, he sighs and stretches his fingers, "This is as much strain as you guys can get." He tells them as he lumbers out of his room, stumbling into knobs and furniture (and apologizing to them) along the way.

By the time he reaches downstairs, he is black and blue, and hurting all over. His father, Ronald, barely flicks an eyelash from the newspaper, but greets him with a hoarse voice, "Son." He inclines his head, raising his mug of steaming coffee in salutation.

"Goku." Sam replies with a regal nod of his own, and for a split second, the two share identical grins.

Judy snorts at the two from her spot in the kitchen and flips the browning meat. "Sam, dear, why don't you take Lita with you?" She starts off-handedly, waving her spatula for emphasis. In her mind, Sam realizes, it must sound like a good idea.

Everything is simple in the thoughts of his mother. There is no filter, no pauses; it is her stream of consciousness making itself known. She does not rethink her words or even hesitate to ponder them over.

Sam tenses at the suggestion, predicting the awkwardness that will occur and probably intensify should Judy get her way. From the dining area, Lita shrieks in surprise, and it echoes around the whole house.

"Sorry about that, please, ignore me!" She hollers a moment later, crippling the surprised silence, "I dropped the pitcher. Managed to catch in the last second, fortunately." She explains.

Judy frowns and gives her son a look, "Well, the two of you need to bond." She says casually, "She is your cousin after all." She points out.

"There's no need, actually." Lita inserts herself into conversation fluidly, and Sam has to marvel on her amazing ability to seem so normal. The young woman offers Judy a glass of water as a peace offering. "Sam and I are fine just the way we are." She assures his mother, smiling prettily.

"And...?" Judy prompts, accepting the glass gratefully. She raises an auburn eyebrow, and Sam swears that he gets his stubbornness from his mother. She doesn't know when to stop!

Lita laughs lightly, "Perceptive, I see." Obstinate, more like it. "I'm actually afraid of dogs." She admits shyly, and after a second, she adds with a somewhat sheepish expression, "Scratch that. Of all animals, really."

Sam finds himself laughing, because honestly, who would be scared of Mojo? Mojo is a tiny dog. A tiny Chihuhahua. Which is an impressive feat of tiny. "Mojo isn't all that scary." He says after he finishes laughing, not at all bothered by her offended look. "He's actually really prissy, with his girly jewelry." He guffaws.

His mother gives him a glare, "It's bling, Sam, not jewelry." She corrects with a wrinkle of her nose, ignoring the roll of his eyes and his muttered "whatever". Judy then turns to Lita, who watches the two of them like they are a particularly interesting tennis match, "See, dear? Mojo isn't dangerous at all. My brave Sam will protect you."

For the first time since his cousin arrived a week ago, Sam witnesses Lita do something close to being rude. The woman rolls her eyes good-naturedly and gives him a once-over, smiling skeptically, "Oh?" She asks faintly.

They are cousins, after all, Sam thinks to himself, so he only hesitates for a split second before he flexes his non-existent muscles.

Lita breaks out into a broad grin, and unseen by her, Judy sends him an approving smile. Sam smiles back lazily and sharply gestures for the dark-haired girl to follow him into Mojo's penthouse.

* * *

**Author's Corner**

There we go! The Sam-Lita friendship is starting, yay!

Since this is pre-movie, I will warn you guys, events will change. Lita's an influence on Sam, so he will begin to adopt some different habits. I have a half-a-mind to make this slightly AU, beginning from the first movie. After all, things don't just remain the same when you wrench another person into the story. Ripples will form.

Please leave a review, tell me what you guys think!


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Corner**

I am working on all my stories, huh. I wonder what I ate today?

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything except the OCs. **

Warning: Not the typical "Sam has a cousin!" fanfic. I am a sucker for family and character development. I suck at updating. This may drift to AU. Some crack. More OCs who will appear now and will never be seen again. I will eat them. Is anyone even reading this? You can totally sense my monotonous voice. Except on the word "totally". **Read at your own risk.**

* * *

**How Do You Do?**

**By Freydris**

**Sam's Stalker List**

**Lita does not like being called Carlita, or worse yet, Carly.**

**(Their neighbor's son learns the hard way.)**

**Part Two**

Samuel Witwicky thinks that he and his cousin might just be the best of friends. If things work out. In another reality. But she's okay.

And it doesn't hurt that she's quite a comely woman. And by his side.

Mojo barks at the neighbor's beagle, surging forward but the bright blue leash keeps him from running off, and the other dog naturally barks back, pawing at the picket fence.

It sets off a chain reaction, and as the cousins stroll past as inconspicuously as possible in hoods and scarves and shades, all the pets in the neighborhood are howling at them.

Lita wrestles the scarf away from her nose, looking distinctly put-out and confused rolled into one. "Why..." She starts uncertainly, her dark eyes (which are actually dark brown, Sam notes) wide in innocent bewilderment, "Are we in this get-up?"

She gestures to the scarf and the tinted glasses.

Sam quirks up a smile and adjusts his own shades, "Don't wanna be seen walking Mojo. Adds to my uncool factor." He explains awkwardly, attempting to get the chihuahua to calm down but not quite succeeding. Mojo must get the stubbornness from Sam's mom. She was spending too much time with the dog.

His cousin of five-foot-five lifts up an intrigued eyebrow and struggles to match his long strides. "Uncool factor?" She echoes, scratching her forearms, "That really exists here in the States?" She asks dubiously, tilting her head to the side. She is obviously making effort to keep the awkwardness away, so he gives her credit.

"As real as you and me." He confirms with a carefree shrug, leaning back and relaxing as the barks die down. An uneasy look flashes into Lita's face, before she mimics his shrug and his slackened stance, her face becoming delightfully blank.

The silence stretches, but it's far from comfortable.

Sam clears his throat, feeling the urgent need to fill the quietude. He glances at her from his peripheral vision, and he notices that she is looking ahead with a faraway look in her eyes. "Does it... Does it bother you?" He asks slowly, and all of a sudden the air is thick with tension. His fingers are twitching—as they tend to do when he's nervous—but he hides them behind his back. Acceptance is something he has been denied of constantly, so he is steeling himself.

When the strike falls, it will not hurt.

She dispels the suspense (and his worries) with a wave of her hand. "I don't know, maybe?" She chuckles, smiling, "It sounds scary. In fact, it probably is scary. How do you deal with it?" She questions, and Sam hesitates, choosing his words carefully. His fingers twitch for his Captain America comic, but it is back home, unable to assist him.

He shrugs with some difficulty. "I ignore people." He answers honestly. They don't ignore him, though. Which is just plain unfortunate.

Lita smiles again, but this time, it's laced with a bit of sadness and anxiety. The silence engulfs the pair again.

"Hey Sam." She starts, and he jolts, surprised. The leash almost slips from his finger, and Mojo is watching him closely, waiting for the smallest loosening of his hold. Sam does not want to give him the satisfaction of freedom. "Do you think, do you think I'll be bullied too?" She asks after a few seconds.

He raises an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?" He demands, a bit bothered by the question. He winces at her use of the word "bully", it sounds so lame and old-school. Torment sounds better.

She shakes her head, and her short hair fluffs around her face in a wave of puffy strands. Some enter her mouth, but she spits them out without batting an eyelash. "I'm twenty-two but I'm only just beginning in college. And I'm a foreigner." She explains, wrinkling her nose.

"Huh." He hasn't noticed that before. "I don't know. Why are you just beginning college anyway?"

Lita rolls her eyes and sends him a small smirk, "Changing the subject, I see?" She does not wait for him to answer, and he shuts his open mouth because she is laughing at him, albeit quietly. "You're such a charming young man, Sam. Just in need of a little polishing." She mutters, patting his arm.

After a deep breath, she begins, "I got rebellious for a few years and disregarded my Papa's requests to study medicine. In those short years, I studied Literature." She tells him, her hands moving along as she gestured wildly, like she was retelling a story. His cousin is so animated, Sam thinks to himself, stuffing his hands into his pockets. And she's so nice too. He should pack up and get the fastest flight to Asia, then.

His mother would kill him, though.

"Long story short, I saw the sense and decided to study medicine instead, like Papa wanted." Lita finishes with grandeur, her arms back to her sides. Sam doesn't see the sense in her words; she is obviously unhappy with studying medicine, but he keeps it to himself, seeing as she has a really conflicted look on her face. Maybe she knows it too, that she's unhappy.

"Cool." He says instead, and she smiles politely, the gesture completely unnecessary, but he feels that she knows he understands. They continue walking leisurely, the silence a little less awkward but far from contented.

They turn a corner, and Mojo finally sees his chance because Sam's eyes stray towards an attractive car parked by the street. The chihuahua lunges forward, and the leash slips from Sam's finger, even as he jolts and grapples for it, tearing his eyes away from the vehicle.

"Woah!" Sam finds himself yelping, startled. "Woah, Mojo! Come back here, boy! Moooojojojo!" He calls, annoyed. The corners of his lips are set on a hard line.

The dog pauses ten feet away, and turns back around, tilting his head, as if recognizing the name. The way his black eyes glinted is not very reassuring.

Lita lets out a panicked breath. "Sam..." She begins, tugging on his sleeve. "I don't think your dog likes you calling him like the Powerpuff girls' villain."

The teenager shrugs, a little uncomfortable at the way she grips his sleeve. "Mojo doesn't really like me, period." He grunts, glowering at the pet. The effect is dumbed down when a short stream of wind sends his scarf flying towards his face. Without his meaning to, his eyes drift to the car at the side.

Was it... shuddering?

He blinks repeatedly and shakes the scene off.

"Uh...Sam?"

Sam finally clears his face free of assaulting scarves and grunts in askance, glaring at Mojo.

"We should...we should run. Mojo doesn't look really happy." His cousin sounds a bit breathless and nervous, really, and Sam eyes his vengeful pet critically. Mojo wouldn't. Surely he wouldn't.

Before Mojo gives chase, Lita is already sprinting away. Sam follows a beat later, because his own dog is barking at him and running after him, and that's certainly not a good thing.

* * *

**Author's Corner**

This is working the writer's block away~ Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Corner**

I... really don't have anything to say anymore. Thank you to McCrane55, grapejuice101, Petalclaw's PatriceBethPorter and yuki. sawer. 7 (sorry, the website won't allow me to put your name in properly) for adding this piece to their favorites list!

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything except the OCs. **

Warning: This fanfic is not the typical "Sam has a cousin!" fanfic. I am a sucker for family and character development. I suck at updating. May become AU. **Read at your own risk.**

* * *

**How Do You Do?**

**By Freydris**

**Sam's Stalker List**

**Lita does not like being called Carlita, or worse yet, Carly.**

**(Their neighbor's son learns the hard way.)**

**Part Three**

"Mojo, down boy!"

Sam is shouting.

"Save your breath and run faster!"

Lita is shouting.

Mojo barks at the two sharply, his accessories swinging from side to side as he chases after the pair of frightened humans. In the process, he dislodges a few bracelets and rings and they roll on the asphalt concrete, but his eyes are intently on the prey.

Sam has to admit, it's beyond scary. No doubt his mother will never let him hear the end of it when she finds out (if she finds out), but for the mean time, his main focus is to sprint.

The chihuahua runs a little faster, and the shouting descends to panicked screaming.

"This is why I really don't like animals!" Lita squeaks as the two clamber on the closest bench, clutching each other. The run has stolen her breath—she's breathing heavily, chest rising and falling erratically, unused to the rigid use of her legs at such a timespan, and she's shaking. Sam isn't much different, but he's not shaking...he thinks.

Unfortunately for the duo, the seat is not quite high enough—Mojo jumps on the bench without any effort at all and the two are once again scrambling to escape, shrieking and cursing. Sam is half-convinced the dog is barking mad, no pun intended, when he continues to chase them, even after Sam's best attempts to get him to stop.

"Mojo, stop!" He cries uselessly, but the dog ignores him. Wheezing, the teenager's gaze lands on a fenced tree, conveniently on their way.

Without hesitating—his father could deal with it, being the head of the neighborhood watch—he takes his cousin's arm and begins to pull her towards their only means of safety. They tussle for a moment with the fence, shins bruising and back shoving, until Sam pushes Lita past the sleek black steel and up the tree. He swings his legs past the enclosure and heaves himself up the trunk, Lita pulling the hood of his jacket.

They pause for breath, before Mojo barks loudly and slips his way past the fence, yapping up at them.

"Jesus Christ!" His cousin snaps, clutching the tree-trunk like it is a lifeline. To her, it probably is. Sam could see the little tremors of her fingers, and regrets laughing at her for her fear of animals. It isn't at all unfounded, he realizes now, contemplating the rabid way his own dog bares its teeth at him.

"Don't you know when to give up, dog?" She demands of Mojo, giving the chihuahua a dirty look through her tinted shades.

Sensing the animosity dripping from her voice, Mojo lets out a sharp growl, crouching down as if ready to jump onto the tree, and Lita flinches away, frightened. Sam barely muffles his amused chuckles, until Mojo growls at him too.

He frowns heavily and steadies himself. "Maybe he doesn't like his..." Sam trails off and eyes the necklace hanging around Mojo's neck with great trepidation, "Bling."

"That's not bling, it's clearly jewelry!"

Sam shrugs and is a little relieved when Mojo stops barking at them. "My mom has weird taste." He supplies, hesitantly relaxing.

Lita wrinkles her small nose and slowly lowers her legs, following his lead, "No offense but...yes." She agrees with a curt nod, and he's fascinated to see her polite exterior lessen, even if just by a little. The Lita of two days before would die before she'd utter a single word against Judy Witwicky.

With good reason, Sam thinks to himself. His mother can be terrifying when the situation calls for it. "None taken." He replies easily, allowing one foot to carefully dip towards the ground.

Seeing the approaching limb, Mojo springs up at them again, letting out a series of deep barks. The two tense up, back to their previous positions in a blink of an eye. "I hate you." Sam curses at his pet, "Why do you torment me so?"

His cousin shakes her head at him, hair seemingly fluffing up in ire. "That's not going to help." She scolds with furrowed eyebrows. For a minute, the two become silent, thinking.

Lita shatters the quiet first. "My little sister got bitten by a dog when she was nine." She mutters under her breath, wiggling until she's made herself comfortable on her perch.

The boy gives her a strange look. "That's not _even _help! That's bad news!" And after a second, he adds, "You have a sister?"

"Yeees." Lita drags out lowly as she snaps a twig from the branch. She waves it around for Mojo, who perks up at the cooing noises she makes. "Come on boy, fetch!" She tosses it for some impressive distance. "Fetch boy!" She exclaims with false enthusiasm, pointing to the stick.

Mojo tilts his head and lies down.

"I hate you." The cousins chorus to the animal, slumping back in defeat. He is clearly laughing at their misery.

Sam, sensing that his companion will not move any time soon, shuffles until his leg is awkwardly bent against the branch, but he isn't complaining. It's a much more comfortable position than his last one. Sighing to himself, he leans back and freezes as the tree lets out an ominous moan beneath him.

He sees Lita glance at him from the corner of her eyes, and the older woman lets out a short laugh at his obviously unfortunate predicament. "You're too heavy for the tree." She points out, a little tension escaping her posture.

The snort he lets out is far from appropriate, and before he can stop himself, he replies with a raised eyebrow towards her physique. His cousin isn't anything like his crush, whom, he's proud to say, has an hourglass figure and seductive features to boot. Lita, as he has observed, is a little on the chubby side, with her petite and homey attributes making up for a little of her weight.

She frowns in disapproval at his gesture, and he winces, realizing his mistake. She doesn't look too angry, he stiffly notices a second later, ready to defend himself.

"I enjoy good food." She sniffs haughtily after the awkward silence envelops them both, crossing her arms. "I really enjoy good food."

"Not judging you." He calls, lifting both his arms in a "I come in peace" motion. "I enjoy good food too." He admits.

A raised eyebrow is all he gets, "Oh?" She responds, chin rising defiantly, "Is that so?" Sam doesn't get how someone so friendly-looking can look so condescending. "Aren't you teenagers caught up in the dieting thing? Tita Judy tells me that you strictly do not eat clams." She tells him skeptically.

A blush of mortification flushes to his cheeks. It all comes down to Mom, he grumbles mentally, the embarrassment unconsciously making him duck down. Sam will not allow any of this lying-down!

"Only girls do the dieting!" He sneers defensively, but the comeback is weak at best and they both know it. Her amused smile tells him as much. "And, and, I'm allergic to clams." He stammers grumpily, turning his indignant gaze to Mojo.

The smoldering expression does nothing to intimidate the chihuahua.

"Okay." Lita replies simply, and for some reason that remains unknown to Sam, the cousins glance at each other and burst out into silent chuckles. He is internally grateful she does not pursue teasing him; it resembles so much of the old days when the bullying was verbal and not physical.

And the conversation does seem snug and friendly, Sam contemplates, mulling the topic over in his head. It's his first taste of something comfortable and flowing for some time, even if Lita's a couple of years older than him.

Her presence might not be so bad then, he concludes with a small, pleased smile.

Now, if only they can get Mojo to calm down...

* * *

**Author's Corner**

And here's the fourth chapter! Hooray!


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Corner**

Did you know?

The Filipinos traditionally eat rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Thanks to NightCoringMadness and PhotogMyLuv92 for adding this little one to his/her favorites! A tip of my hat and a flying kiss to LITTLE RED FOXX and Catgoddess92, for following HDYD.

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything except the OCs!**

Warning: This fanfic is not the typical "Sam has a cousin!" fanfic! I am a sucker for family and character development. I also suck at updating. I frequently have an awful case of writer's block. May become somewhat crack. Quail eggs are delicious. **Read at your own risk.**

* * *

**How Do You Do?**

**By Freydris**

**Sam's Stalker List**

**Lita does not like being called Carlita, or worse yet, Carly.**

**(Their neighbor's son learns the hard way.)**

**Part Four**

A car drives by and parks down the corner. Suspiciously, no one exits the vehicle.

This detail in particular, however, carelessly flies by the notice of the Witwicky cousins. Spending thirty minutes stuck in a tree that's practically threatening to snap under their rears can do that to anyone. The dog, no matter how small it is, waiting down below only adds to the mounting fear. Mojo looks very eager, and Sam thinks it's revenge for all the times he's insulted the animal's man-pride.

"No, Lita, I will not sacrifice myself to give you a chance to run away." He deadpans, giving his cousin a disapproving look. He is hunching down on the spot where the branch and the trunk meet, legs and arms asleep. The bark digs into his skin as he clutches onto security, but it's a small price to pay.

His dark-haired relative lets out an affronted squawk from the other side of the blooming magnolia they are resting on, and Sam is a little jealous of her far more comfortable and safe location. She is a fetching vision beside the pink flowers, shades and scarves n'all, like an angel come down from heaven, if it weren't for the fact that she is giving Mojo a spine-chilling scowl.

"Sam, that wasn't what I was suggesting." She protests, her tone indicating a somewhat offended air. Sam is glad to see she's stopped shaking, and the teary shine in her eyes are gone. As much as the fact shames him, Sam admits that he doesn't know the smallest thing in comforting frightened women. Lita's resolve to keep herself calm and composed tells him that she senses this.

He breathes out a sigh of relief. "That's good." He replies airily, allowing his gaze to drift elsewhere. It's almost ten in the morning (as Lita readily tells him) and people will begin to pour out of their homes. Somehow, he can't decide whether it's a good or bad thing—that is, if someone spots the two of them hiding from a Chihuahua like sissies. No doubt his reputation will go further down the drain.

In the end, he isn't the one to determine this.

A tall, dark-haired goth exits the car down the corner, and Sam squints, recognizing the vehicle. It's the one he'd been staring at before Mojo escaped his leash. The one that, if he recalls correctly, shuddered. As he squints even more, he's able to put a name to the remarkably ordinary features of the beaming boy.

Ike Gregor, only son of Jennifer Gregor nee Hawkins and Stephan Gregor. The boy, several years younger than Sam himself, plays heavy metal music at around nine-thirty in the night, every Thursday. Thursday marks the day when his parents aren't home, but Sam knows that the Gregor adults are beginning to catch on to the less than pleasant habits of their son.

They did, after all, come by last Saturday to discuss spying and recording methods with Ron, and later on, Judy, who is always up for some fresh American neighborhood gossip.

Everything suddenly freezes when he catches sight of the brilliant smile splitting the boy's face apart.

"Ignore him." Sam hurriedly whispers to his cousin, who's eyes become wide at the sight of the multiple piercings and dark make-up, "I think he's high. Emo boy is smiling." If he sounds stunned, he hopes she doesn't notice.

She looks so shocked it's almost funny. "Is that mascara?" Lita squeaks, politely averting her eyes away from the quickly approaching boy, or else she will be gawking. She's sweating a little, Sam muses. It must be the culture shock. "W-Wow, I didn't...um, sorry, I'm just a little surprised, wow, Goths really do exist." She stammers, finding something else fascinating on the house to her right.

Sam snickers under his breath. Definitely, it's the culture shock. He didn't know people like Lita still existed!

When Sam thinks that perhaps the goth would only walk past the magnolia tree—and maybe the two of them would only get strange looks—he's proven horribly wrong. As if sensing his thoughts and living just to spite the teenager, Ike stops just outside the steel fence and waves animatedly, rocking his heels back and forth almost giddily. Lita swallows audibly, nervously, and forces a polite smile into her face. Sam finds himself mirroring the same smile, but he's certain his looks more like a grimace.

Mojo, sensing the abrupt change in the atmosphere, slowly turns back to curiously stare up at Ike. The Chihuhua sniffs for a couple of seconds, before jolting up. To the cousins' distress, he begins to bark at Ike with hostility, his small ears flattening against his skull as he bares his teeth.

"Woah boy!" Sam barks as well, his eyes nervously flicking back and forth from his pet to Ike, who jumps back in surprise. "Down boy! Don't scare people away!" He scolds.

"I'm terribly sorry about Mojo." He hears Lita apologize, and guilt eats him away when he realizes he's left her to talk to Ike, "He isn't often this hostile. I think."

He glances back up just in time to see Ike shake his shaggy head and bring out a radio. Sam double-takes and suspiciously stares at the boy and the object in his hand.

A long silence stretches between the three of them, not counting Mojo's angry barks. Ike fiddles with the radio for a moment, before turning up the volume.

An unfamiliar announcer blares out from the speakers, spooking the two cousins. Lita takes the sudden noise with practiced ease while Sam jumps, almost tipping back from his perch on the tree branch, "W-What—huh?"

"Ladies..." The channel changed sharply, "...man..." It changed again, "...two-hundred and seventeen years ag..." And then, "-eart, question mark, written on the..."

Lita blinks twice in confusion, a bit disturbed by the message, mixed in with confusion, but Sam chokes on air because if he puts it together, whatever Ike just weirdly composed on his little radio forms _ladiesman217_, which is Sam's Ebay account.

Warning flashes sound on Sam's brain, and he mechanically unfreezes himself, because Ike and Lita are staring at him expectantly.

"I-I am." He confirms nervously, "Ladiesman217 is my Ebay account."

Realization dawns Lita's eyes, and she smiles to herself, no doubt pondering the unique confrontation.

Ike's smile widens, and it's scary, freakily scary, because Ike Gregor does not smile. The younger boy fiddles with the radio again. "...Who do you think you are...runnin..."

Sam frowns. "My name is Sam Witwicky." He says impassively, gaze unintentionally turning sharper. "I've been your neighbor your whole life, Ike." He points out almost bitingly. Lita gives him a cautionary look, her smile turning a bit tight; a clear warning for him to remain courteous and polite.

He doesn't scoff, but a little irritation builds up inside his chest. Lita obviously is not used to him yet; if she believes he will duck his head down and be obedient to her, then she's dead wrong!

But Sam is a little bit of a push-over, so he doesn't say anything else.

Ike is surprised—it's obvious in the way the boy flinches back and looks down at himself with an expression of wonder. Sam shelves away this knowledge for later, the Gregor boy is definitely high.

The radio crackles. "Sorry, sorry..." It sputters out, "-unteer, how 'bout you, with the eyes.." Ike turns his attention to the older woman, smile back in place.

Lita flushes at the compliment, her smile turning a little more genuine. Sam can tell she's taken by Ike's young age and the unique way he speaks. Bummed by her suddenly sparkly and kinder attitude to the kid, Sam sulks a little, though he will not admit it out loud.

"I'm Carlita Rodriguez." She graciously supplies, inclining her head in greeting. "How do you do?"

Ike's expression turns confused, and his eyes dim for a few seconds. They brighten up again, and he excitedly fiddles with the radio. "...fine... thank you ladies and..." The machine blares out, followed by a fading applause. It crackles again for some time, before it spits out, "A song Carlita...Carlita...Carlita..."

Lita's smile falters. "Please call me Lita." She adds dubiously, eyes narrowing.

Ike blinks in confusion. He then turns the volume louder, "Carlita... Carlita... Carlita ...that's...your name is... Carlita..."

Sam watches with faint interest as her smile begins to crumble. Her eyes fall shut, and her right eyebrow is twitching almost comically, the corners of her lips straining to remain up.

The reaction is not lost to the goth, who raises both eyebrows in pitiful confusion. He messes with the radio a lot more. "...new episode of Icarly...Carly...Carly... do you like...that... Carly..."

For a split second, Lita is glowering at the boy. Sam feels something snapping inside him, fascinated, and he knows Ike sees the frightening expression too, because the boy's eyes dim before he takes a step back. "Sorry sorry sorry," The radio sounds out, "...geudae...bye bye bye bye bye bye bye..."

Ike scuttles away back to his car, and Lita is glaring at the back of his head like she wants him to burst into flames. "Are people here always that rude?" She grits out, madly twitching, like she wants to hit something.

Sam wants to inch away, because he's the nearest human being to her, but he can't because the branch will snap if he as much as turns the wrong way. "No." He says with what he hopes is a reassuring voice, "No, they're not."

"Mojo." She starts, turning to the dog with a fierce glower on her face, "Go boy. Chase him."

Mojo runs and doesn't turn back, barking madly. Ike disappears into his vehicle, almost flickering, like a hologram, and the car roars to life.

Sam belatedly realizes that Ike is entirely too young to be driving a car.

* * *

**Author's Corner**

Ike isn't Ike at all. One guess who. The radio kind of gives it away, actually.

Okay, so **holoforms**. I'm borrowing the fandom's idea that the Cybertronians need to scan a human body to copy its structure. The first body it scans, the holoform will resemble. In time, the form will gradually change to show more of the cybertronian's qualities. Fake Ike will not remain dark-haired or goth-looking for long, rest assured.

Please leave a review, and tell me what you guys think! Thanks for reading How Do You Do? Just a little bit more and we will begin with the first movie. I'm so excited!


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